Hallo!

2 months.
Yeah,that's how long I've stop writing.Rubbish,or no rubbish.

Going through what I've shared here so far,I'm not that impress.
Surprise,surprise...haha.
Oh well,there's pieces of me in it.
So,to be continued...

Presence

Presence strengthens what is absence.It's the person that matter,not the place.

I'm going to jump into an ice hole (if I could find one) and freeze there after this.Yeah,because I need to write or I'll go bonkers.

To begin with, recently, I've met someone who has pretty much affected my EQ since like uh,five years ago?It was utterly unexpected,unanticipated,and came without warning.Well,I can't really tell whether it's a good thing or not.

Honestly,I've been feeling damn guilty for doing what I did and regretted the things that I should have and have not done to him.Five years ago,I was stupid, awkward (still do), young and too afraid of too many things which eventually led to an unresolved matter in me and maybe, what happened between us.
I believe I've broken his heart and live with that ever since.Yes,considering the fact that we were disgustingly young with a potentially bleak future ahead, so many would suggest me to just move on.I did tried, and this writing is one obvious proof that I failed to do so.

Like an unfinished chapters in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales or Jane Austen's last,never completed novel,Sanditon, nobody knows how the 'completed' version will sound like.Hanging loosely blown by the wind of uncertainty.

When I saw him,it dawned on me that either I'm a complete ignorant or the fact that I'm being too hard on myself-relying too much on hard facts and solid definitions on almost everything; including my own feeling, blinded me from being fully aware that I too,were heart broken.

When you like someone so much for so long,you'll tend to forget how it feels and how distinct it is from the rest of emotions.It's like something unfathomable missing from you,and you don't know what.It gives you this 'just-not-right' feeling when you seek it from others.

My guess is that I've got so used to it.That explains the uncomfortable feeling I have when I'm around those who I'm not that familiar with.Thanks to linguistics,I could judged pretty well through conversations actually.It gives me this holistic view, a rough idea what's the person like.(If I tell the world I did that, I bet nobody would not want to speak to me for being that judgmental).Haha!

All in all,to be able to meet him, and miraculously talked to each other quite normally for a couple good times left quite an impression.I'm quite surprised myself.Did I just talked to him?It's like whoa~if it is possible, I would want to apologize,and told him that five years ago,I wanted to say,"What took you so long?" (I'm quite mad for the lateness actually) and if I did broke his heart,I didn't mean to do that at all.I just didn't want things to get complicated and yes,I'm being selfish for not considering anyone at all.

Ah, well..past is past.It's not that I think I might have another shot.
I respected him for having the courage to even ask me out and at least,if not all,be himself .Ihat alone would have done me a favour.I would love him to stay that way. It would be nice if I get the chance to know him better.And if he did hated me ( he should),the very fact that he's still able to see me after all these years,plus the efforts that he put during the process tugged at my heartstrings.I guess that's one of the thing that makes him different than the rest.Well, he was always different then,and gladly he still is.Nevertheless,he seems more sure of himself now and I hope he'll keep it up.

Amidst the nostalgic and melancholy feeling,I did have a good time .Never fail to put an instant smile on my face lately.Now I need to learn how not to suddenly smile for no reason.

So,I guess it is impossible for me to even bring this up (again).The last thing I would want to do is bugged him with this.Maybe for me it will take longer to actually get over it.With his presence in this short period of time,I think it would be more than enough to compensate.And for only that, I'm more than grateful.

But this time it feels right.I can tell that.

And I still could not believe that I actually wrote a poem for him not long ago.
I guess I am kind of cheesy,sometimes.Haha.

He's my dear Gentleman,can't you see?Lols.

Howard Zin's always awesome with his words :

To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places -- and there are so many -- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.

And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

- Howard Zinn -

Thank god,now I can finally sleep.

...

Everything is upside down.
I'm head-over heels.
I should sit back and chillax.
I will start fresh.
Yup.

So, What's Next?

I am jobless now.
Funny.I'm way far from depression.
Funnier.I received two work offers on the day after.
Funniest.I'm still jobless now. (Being a part-timer doesn't count)

So,next I'm going to walkabout and explore KL like I've never had before and make sure to visit and conquered all  bookstores; first hand, second hand, third hand, junk, not junk - you named it.I'm coming.

Then,visit all these wet market and look for herbs and spices. (I'm into herbs and spices - they smell nice!)
After that, look for any affordable antique shop..and maybe visit some I dunno, some odd 'feng shui' shops. Jade and unique stones like amethyst (favourite!) and sapphire are always available there.

Look for more antique or jewellery/stones shop (I'm not sure what they're called).See..in western movies, these kind of shops would look hollow,dark and creepy. But I think mysterious,unique and intriguing describe these places better.
Mum said my home in the future will be sheltering 'rubbish' such as these instead of furniture.Ha ha.I can't imagine.

And I should find someone to teman me and layan my ramblings and stuff along the way. XD

For now,this will do.Well at least until before September.

Amendments

Napoleon Hill said:
Do not wait; the time will never be "just right'. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.


This time I have to agree.

I've been doing an 'internal auditing and special investigation' in,out and on my self. Sad to say that I'm not progressing well in terms of thinking ability and stability.Being unstable and unable to withdraw an undesirable attention in doing what I'm supposed to do (following my wish list),I should be more firm with myself and get back on track if I were to reach my targets in time.

I need to make amends of the time and energy wasted so far.I find that I am very much and easily affected with the surrounding.Vulnerable indeed.Ah, the time has come for some chicken soup -for the soul.So much for a chicken soup la. =P

By the way,I need to make amends for my cooking skills too.Been missing them since like ages.Blame the thesis and the final year project.Hehe.
Since I suck at baking biscuits and cakes,I think for now I'll just stick with steamed cake until I could get myself a proper oven and learn how to use it.First thing first.And hope my cookies won't be that black.
I've been collecting a few chinese soup recipe now but haven't get to try yet.The coming Ramadhan might be a good start.Wonder whether there is a term for soup lovers anyway.

And need to make amends for Italian,French and Mandarin too.Understanding what is being said or written is not enough darl.You need to SAY something. Good luck with that girl.Cubalah rajin sikit,kan you're disgustingly young?


As for my going-to-be-rusty-brain,I think I need to go back to old routines.Oh,good luck with that too!I can try De Bono, or perhaps NLP for a re-start.


Granpa:Biar diam-diam ubi,berisi..jangan diam-diam besi,berkarat.
Me: *terasa* Ya........
Granpa:"Ya" kau tu tak bertitik.
Me:Yalah....










 

Work #1st Episode #

Wow.I'm going to work.
Wow.I am actually going to work.
Me?Working?As in really go to the office and attend meetings?
Yup.

First day at work was hilarious.Blinded by an over-spirited determination,extraordinarily I arrived two hours earlier than the time expected and was dumbfounded to find the "Hand and Microsurgery Unit" vicinity was empty.Accompanied by the flickering ceiling lamp and the pleasant hum of the air conditioner, I failed to detect any living corpse walking around in a manner suggesting that he or she was a staff there and was ready to start the day and yeah, NOTICED me.

At the effect of the elevator "ding" sound,I sat up straight and hoisted my backpack onto my shoulder,trying to look presentable and at the same time tried my best to fight the drowsiness from waking up as early as 4 o' clock in the morn' for the 'big' day.Oh,and I prayed quite hard.
"God,please don't let me do something stupid,well..at least for today.Amin" 

Alas! The one to appear was the cleaner lady.We exchanged smiles and I straightaway asked her when my new 'colleagues' were coming.
"Eh, lambat lagi ni dik...diorang selalunya datang pukul 9.00..9.30 macam tu."
I was like ... "Owh,macam tu.."

Then I asked why the receptionist and some other staffs I saw down there came early,like I did.
Then the lady said, "Itu...biasalah masuk awal..ada yang kerja syif malam..tapi sini klinik,kita buka ikut waktu ofis la.."
When she reached that part,I was already cursing myself,for being that reckless.I should have known.Plus,it's not like I'm not that familiar with this hospital and most importantly I should have asked.

"Owh,terima kasih puan." I said with a smile.The fact that I was already totally amused with myself did not resurface until the lady was gone.I then walked towards the elevator with a blend of mix emotion.Gah,I should not let waves of nervousness controlled me!
So,I went down and stepped into the cafe.Sitting down with a plate of fried kuey teow and a bottle of water,I thought of the possibilities that might happened later.No wonder they said breakfast is good.In times like this,it helps in getting rid of the so called nervousness and restore cognitive ability.Ha Ha Ha.

10 minutes to 9,I was already back, waiting patiently and demurely on the couch. Seeing nurses walking in and out made me felt awkward and had this 'out-of-the-planet' kind of feeling.It's like there's a sign hanging on my neck saying, "I'm an alien from Mars.I come in peace.Will do anything for work."
Owh, I forgot to mentioned that when I arrived at the particular floor,a bunch of people arrived from the other side (there are three elevators).Scanning through,I thought they were practical students,amid the clamor and laughter.So,I just let it passed.

It's 9.30 a.m. and I was still sitting on the hard couch.Starting to get bored instead of sheer nervousness and anxiety, I called mum.I could tell that she was amused with me,but didn't let it out,knowing that her daughter was always anxious tak tentu pasal.Then I sat back.The temperature was getting colder and I was broiling inside.Again, served me right.Who asked me to come at 7.30 a.m.?Only aliens did that.That was what I did for the rest 2 hours-conversing with my alter ego.

I was literally staring blankly at the magazine when a girl approached me.Finally!Thank you for noticing me."Will do anything for work".She was about my height,my age and had this warm, friendly gesture.Asking my name, she pondered at the fact why I  kept quiet the whole time.The rest thought I was a patient there.I was like ....

Only later on I got the chance to meet my employer and being introduced to the rest of the staffs.New dilemmas appeared.Where should I go?What exactly I need to do at this point of time?Do I need to just 'observe'?I thought I'm going to write?What am I doing here?Where exactly is the staffs' cafe?When is lunch time?What time do we finish exactly?Erm,hello?

So,I remained as an observer at the hospital for a week before I was really located in a real office.If boredom is fatal,I might have died out of it.Trust me,I was that 'lost'.The rest is history.

A New Chapter

 "Start writing a new chapter, for if you live by the book you'll never make history." 
-Ben Sobel-


Time has cheated on me.
I've been making untold history for almost twenty two years now and I can never seem to recall when was the last time I shouted for the ice cream man to stop - the minute I heard him coming,played hide-and-seek,climbed up the trees and plunged into the river,sneaked out after the rain and fished for tiny tadpoles (which I claimed as 'baby fishes' back then) in the deep,clear puddle,ran up and down the hill,rolling in the mud, and of course, first day in school.
"Wait, did I go through all that?When exactly?" I heard myself asking.


Those were the times that no matter how hard I tried to rewind, let alone claimed, appeared vague.Now that I'm considered a young adult (according to mum who refuse to believe that I'm 18) and are eligible to work,more and more things keep me occupied.I noticed that I keep forgetting the small,insignificant details which might not contribute much to work prospects,but may affected the person in me.I fear that eventually I'll forgot to how to live life.It is one of the many major concerns I have in mind.

From the moment I learned what 'ambition' means, entering the varsity was not an option anymore.It's like you're obliged to go through the tertiary education system and you're so doomed and screwed up if you're not.Fourteen years ago,life wasn't as complicated as it used to be now.Back then,I would say life is bliss.Ironically,I still complained how my live was a living hell and no more than a mere threshold.Ungrateful brat!

When I was eight,people were more well mannered,no children were missing,no babies were simply thrown away like some broken toys,gruesome murder cases were scarce,people don't simply kill others out of jealousy or hatred,sweets and ice creams were cheaper =P, and I was 8 years old.Well,although the economy was on the brink of a disaster,what could be worse?As any other middle class family,we didn't have a lush,plush life but no one died of severe starvation.Not that I knew of.

Talking about globalization,economic and social growth and what not,I'm very much aware of the fact that we're growing.I'm more worried about the direction though; either we are moving forward or backward.

And some say that I dwell in the past,trying to run from the present day - unable to deal with it wisely. Yeah,in my age,who did? I must stop and look back once in a while or I'll lose control.Reflecting deflects,you know.
The past is a part of who and what I am now.Sometimes,the act of treating it as something insignificant cause this severe aggravation of annoyance in me.It's foolish to make dumb remarks about something that we're not really familiar with and worse,it proofs plain stupidity.And worst enough if accompanied by an immature childish streak.It's okay to be childlike,but definitely not childish.Now that I'm ranting pointlessly,I might as well be called "childish".Thank you very much.

I guess it's in the nature that we nurtured.All in all,I believe there are myriad of choices I could make in life.Shakespeare wrote, "To be or not to be.That's the question." 
I asked myself, am I the 'to be' or the 'not to be'? Ready or not,I have already opened a new chapter in life.Funny,I still haven't close the previous book for I'm not done with the final chapters yet.There are still pages left unread.Is it possible to read two books at a time?
And I would not say, 'time will tell' because it can't this time.

ReView

This one month really makes me rethink of everything.Turn out that I just don't know where should I start for there's so many things I would love to do in life.However,now that I have guidance,(which is indeed a very good one)it makes me wonder why in my entire life I never ask for what I want.
I thought I'm living up my dreams.Yes, in a way,but between the lines,I 'm also living up others' dreams.Well, I'm not blaming anyone or anything..it's more like a soul-searching moment and it's about making life livable and meaningful.

I guess time will tell.

It's quite relieving to be able to see life in a bigger picture.At least, from now I would be able to manage where I'm going.To know that there's always choices to be made make life seems full of hope.It's either the right one,so-so or just-not-right one.I told myself not to wait and hesitate anymore.People say it's better to be late than never,but you'll never know what you'll miss if you're late.Choices will be limited and you might be left with only one choice.Who knows?
I should chase after what my heart longs for.Of course,following certain circumstances.Life has too much too offer,and I can't have them all at once.It's either you get and lose something in the end.

...

And I miss My Dear Gentleman.To be able to find one these days is hard luck.

Favourite Things

Lately, I find myself missing waterfalls and picnics.

Birds Flying in the Sky

Birds flying in the sky create different impression to different people. In many culture,birds customarily represented epiphanies of gods, spirits or messenger of divine beings, announcing new situations or serving as guides. In modern society, this scenario would definitely represent freedom. As for me, seeing birds flying in the sky often creates a mix of emotions and carry me deeper into my thoughts.

I recognized myself as an introverted person. Because of this, I prefer to keep things to myself. I am not used to expressing my feelings or voiced out my thoughts openly to others,even to those who are close to me. The habits of suppressing my inner feelings and thoughts gradually force me to find a way to let myself at ease. Seeing birds flying in the sky is one them. They symbolize tranquility and serenity. It felt as if all my troubles and problems burst out of the birds' chest,dissolved, and vanished into the thin air.

Birds are a part of nature like any other beings on earth. What makes them special is that they could fly. Birds soaring up high in the sky symbolize freedom for most of us. I definitely agree with the notion. Sometimes things just do not happen the way we want them to,and despite of facing the reality, we tend to run away from it. Also, there are times when constraints are everywhere and everything seems complicated,emotions run high and to make it worse,there seem to be no way out. In a situation like these,freedom seems almost out of reach. The ability to make choices, to live without fear and having all the rights to do what we would want to is made possible by the humble act of nature. I would also say that somehow,birds flying in the sky represent hopes too.

As the eldest child in the family, it is hard for me to accept the fact that one day, I will have to leave my parents and build a life of my own. Having to be responsible in almost everything build an unbreakable bond between us and make me even more reluctant to even think of 'leaving'. It feels like abandoning them regardless of it being good or not. Here,birds flying in the sky represent abandonment. Birds that fly in the sky are definitely heading somewhere. They migrated when the weather or the condition does not favour their being in a place.

In myths and superstitions there are birds which are considered to be good luck and there are some which is associated with bad omen. Consider mythic birds like the Phoenix-a sacred fire bird which can be found in Persians,Greeks,Romans,Egyptians, and Chinese mythologies which symbolize rebirth, immortality, and renewal with birds such as crows or ravens which symbolize death,sorrow, bad luck and evil. It is believed that to see birds like the Phoenix flying in the sky brings good omen rather than seeing the crow flying over us. So,from a superstitious point of view, the kind of birds that fly in the sky really make a big difference as it influences the belief system of those whose life is surrounded by these things.

Lastly, I would say that birds flying in the sky represent uncertainty. The sky portrayed the big wide world which is full of many,many things to be discovered. I see myself as those birds, flying sometimes in one direction and sometimes aimlessly to their destination. We would never know whether all of them will keep on flying together or reach to the destination safely. But birds usually fly together in flocks and that is the best part. It gives sense of belonging.

In a nutshell, the topic “Birds Flying in the Sky” is arbitrary as it is interpreted differently from one person to another depending on one's experiences. Meaning is created when one intends to relate something to others and communicates using existing signs and codes in a culture.

Titter Tatter

Out of my usual stupid self consciousness,somehow I just moved from the back seat and join this someone at the front seat as nobody would want to sit there. My mind was only focusing on the assessment that we all will be answering later, despite the friendly request to fill the empty spot.However, in the next few minutes, miraculously we're actually exchanging opinions on laws and regulations,hobbies,writers and writing, books and other stuffs.How strange to have such a quick acquaintance.All in all, the whole thing was great.It  was indeed relieving to be able to have this kind of conversation once in a while.How surprising to actually know that the opposite sex could be one good listener and supportive as well.Oh,only when it comes to a conversation such as this. (I smell feminism prejudice.. lol)

Well,I don't really expect to have such a conversation each and every time,but I dare say that's this is utterly rare.

Not to say that there are none of the opposite sex are as 'chat-able' but I tend not to meet this type often.Most of the time,they don't really pay much attention to what you're saying and sometimes just interrupt whatever you're saying.Not to tell you guys to just shut up and listen but at least try to make the conversation seem natural and talk sensibly. Unless it is a date, I suggest you not to use the oh-you're-hitting-on-me kind of talk.Unfair as it is, I do believe that even girls and women do the same.Anyway, feeling like one hell of a pride and prejudice feminist right now,I think the opposite sex still have much to learn when it comes to this.

Have a nice day!

The Old White Mug

The word 'graduation' reminds me of this white mug at home which has this question printed in it,right at the brink of the mug's rim : How do you spell r-e-l-i-e-f? I was 7 when I first came in contact with that mug,drinking hot milo out of it.And being incredibly enthusiastic, I spelled the word relief to that mug as if I was in a spelling test,(my favourite part during the English class!).
R-E-L-I-E-F...there you go..I was so proud of myself for being able to spell correctly and even checked the dictionary twice,just to be sure.Feeling triumphant,I treated myself to 'Air Batu Campur' that very evening.


A few years later, I was using that same white mug to drink tea and once again saw the question. Being idle at that time, I pondered over that question over and over again.Oh, it was a no brainer that the answer was actually right in front of my naked eyes! The word r-e-l-i-e-f  was there! I murmured,ironically telling myself how stupid the mug was and not me.I meticulously looked for the answer by searching the mug thoroughly.Ooh..it was on the outer part of the mug! There printed : Answer:G-R-A-D-U-A-T-I-O-N.

So, that's the answer..but why graduation?It asked me to spell relief..My small brain could not figure out that it was simply a riddle/joke.A simple, funny one.

Sad to say, I figured the whole thing out during the break after SPM. I had forgotten all about it when I left for boarding school.For the last 7 years since my last try-out, the mug had been laughing at me (I imagine). "How silly!" it would say and flashed its sardonic grin to me.
Now that I'm more often home, I got to use that mug often too.Looking back at the question,I just shoved a smile at that old mug and finished my drinks.If it could really hear me, I'd like to tell 'it' this:

Dear Old White Mug,
You've been there long enough for my parents,then for me and  my sisters in that house.Thank you for being there and be our faithful mug all these years and bore all kinds of temperature that we poured into you.I'll make sure I won't break you to pieces.Say,perhaps for many it might seems that graduation is the end of everything.You finish studying, secured a job and settled down.That's it?Life's so over? Well, I do not think so.In fact I'm worried to the max as this would just be the beginning.Life has just begun.I can't tell what the future holds for me.If you just stood tall and think about it for a sec.So, you might want to tell your children not to put that kind of question anymore.Perhaps another good joke would do.You'll thank me for telling you this.Oh,I forgot..you can't. Try to take care.

Lag

One more day,and that's it.I have unofficially finished my study here.
"Three years,seem, so quick.."
That sentence keeps on ringing in my head.Why?It was part of our choral speaking text. Everything that we did for the final project this semester was truly memorable. Making my first foray in scripwriting, acting and singing were one of those things that I'd never thought I'd be doing, not once in my whole life. Well,they were not that great, but I' m proud of it.Going through all those practice sessions and spending extra hours after class did pull something out of us as a team and promoted our growth as individuals.Good job everyone!
So, I guess that would be the first and the last time I'd be singing out loud, just like Maria singing the Sound of Music on the top of the hill.Chewah~

Of course,mine was totally far from the star if both were to be compared.But hey,things like this do make you feel good,definitely.I still could hear me whispering to myself during the first scene ; "It's now or never".
My,I forgot how numb both my ears were.Yes, ears,not the legs. I need to walk around la.
Someone told me to look at my friends if I'm ever going to faint or something and thank god I did. They had the warmest,friendliest, and supporting smiles you'd ever find while your on stage.

Okay.Now I'm amused.This musical thing was over for like a month ago and I think I made myself believe that I'm so over it.Yet, here I am, lingering on it,not quite willing to let it go.
Truth is,moments like this would get me a bit later than anyone else,and it's happening now.I'm also pretty sure that I'll cry over graduation day on November 2011, which is a month later from the big day.Actually, it's simply frustrating to have this 'lagging' thing happening to you. Just like the 'colonial lag' thing, I just wish that I'd catch up with others soon.Having the right feeling on the right moment.
Haha..I'm positive I'll be able to do that.

Karutan

Thinking is a must.It cinched sanity.

*Come to think of it, I'd say it's rather commonsensical.I have a feeling that this would be a juicy debate in philosophy though I'm well aware that it's highly incomprehensible in the end.So yeah...

At times, keeping sanity makes me feel incomplete. Thinking is one way of proving sanity. But when you tend to think too much, you'll miss almost all the good things in between; too busy contemplating on something and you're totally absorbed in it and you don't realize you're forgetting the rest of the world. Trust me, the fact that you even forget to breathe while doing so will pass unnoticed.

Reaching the utmost perfection is an unnecessary torment and I just realized that.It might as well lure you to pure insanity. Pure insanity offers a two folds deal. One will take you far up high and inspire you to do great things.The other one quite the contrary, leads you to instant damnation. In my case, the latter one is more likely.I envy those who are insane. It is not my intention to taunt or discriminate those who are unfortunate, but considering the state of not displaying the conventional sanity is indeed tempting.

Sanity is an acceptable madness.

Life is about choice, right? So, I guess I'll just choose.

Tributes

And now,the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

My friend, I'll say it clear  

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I traveled each and every highway

And more,much more than this

I did it my way.

Frank Sinatra has never failed to imbue me with his voice.A light baritone with a sharp New York accent resonating deep into his nasal cavities to produce the classic crooning effect ...lovely!

The late P.Ramlee too, possessed such a voice that leave a vivid impression on me.They were both amazing in their own way, be it acting and singing.Pity to learn all the ungrateful remarks given to them.One man's meat is another man's poison and I'm not surprised.Have a nice day!

Bon Anniversaire Maman!

French is in the air,so..Bon Anniversaire Maman!

Oh,and did you now that Maman is also a sculpture by Louise Bourgeouis?Yeah,but it doesn't resemble a 'mother'..more like a spider.Spider makes pretty good mum too.Not bad at all.

Maman..

 

 

Maman..too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe ours is not that ideal when it comes to hugging *grin*
But,
Je t'aime pour toujours.
Je t'aime pour de vrai.


Love,
Your doting daughter at heart and soul.

Come Home!

I like this song so much!Even sang it in my dreams (hahaha)..some think it's lame,I think it's lovely! :)
We're always someone's home.So, find your way home.. =D

 Home-Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
(2x)
La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I’m coming Home

I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you

That’s true

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.

Chorus

“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”
“Now I know.”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I’m alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Money Matters.

For some reasons, I seem to hate myself for not being able to do much here.Trying to make a mountain out of mole hill is just plain stupid. You'll never reach the sky. Feeling low at this point sucks because it brings bad dreams. Having bad dreams guaranteed a bad start for the day.Why money matters?Nothing big. Just a solid reminder that money could be one of the calamities in life.

Say,

If I were to choose between pride and money,I'll hold my pride.

If I were to choose between dignity and money,I'll choose dignity.

If I were to choose between love and money,I'll go for love undoubtedly.

If I were to choose between ties and money,I'll embrace ties wholeheartedly.

If  these choices were laid before my bare eyes  50 years ago, I might answer them without uncertain hesitation.What life had to offer then was so much more. Values were stronger.Of course, across time,things changed towards the better and worse, too.But what options do we have except  adapt and move on?In 2011,if you asked me,I'd choose money above them all.Without it,pride and dignity are just specks of dust on your doormat,love can't be buy and ties mock you to death if they could. Aww...too bad, right?.Money's the bad guy and it always win...

I was, am and still find myself disgustingly surprised looking at how we let such filthy lucres affect our lives.

Now,without m-o-n-e-y,don't even dream of filling you stomach with the cheapest,most staled (perhaps with a bit of fungus) bread in town.Feeling sorry for yourself then, it just sheer ordinary.Who would possibly resist the strong temptation of a five letter word spelled m-o-n-e-y nowadays?Nobody.The need for money is beyond temptation,you need it. Freewill is not a choice anymore.

However,I find myself drawn towards the "No money,no talk/honey" rule.Despite my blunt and plain stupid remarks,remarkably I find it agreeable.This put me in a love-hate relationship with m-m-m-mmmoney I guess. Which of which?

While "no money, no talk" ruled out strangers, "no money, no honey" estranged families and friends.That's how things work.My,you'd be astounded to discover that these people could speak quite well actually when everything goes into the right place. Motivation is always uplifting,doesn't it?From top to way down the bottom, it's always been the same thing. The race in pursuit of 'power' never really ended.Lucky we have the word 'balance' and gravity or the world will be one side heavy.

 

Would I betray others then?Am I willing to go beyond limits and constraints, leaving everything behind for money?Is it worth all the hearts broken and tears shed?Under certain circumstances, it's possible for me to end up like that-desperately hunting for bucks and bulks of it.If not now,maybe later.Who can tell?I pray hard not.Still, hoping would not get me any further. The urgency of positive,motivating resolution is as worthy.For I terribly fear of nurturing such anger, which will likely grow into hatred.Or worst, vengeance.Such a bad feeling would eat you inside out if it's not put at halt.

See, I don't really have any personal feud with money. In my case, money is good business.-it makes my world go round.

We make good or bad things out of it.Instead of having control on money,we rather have money controlling us.Too busy to figure that out and sadly, when we do it's a little too late. 

Quoting Spiderman, "With great money, comes great responsibility", I have little to say in terms of what or how the responsibility looks like.You should know better.After all, a layman like me would better be off.I don't belong here yet.

 Fuck you and your money!

(Pardon my french)
 

Singing Sigh

Okay.
Week 8 onwards can be only described with one word and a sentence.
Busy.So much to do,so little time.
In about 6 weeks I will be finishing my final semester.Worse,I don't even know whether I should be glad or sad.
6 weeks later I might be doing something else or NOTHING (which I fear the most). But I'm sure I will do something.With the final year project hanging loose,no doubt I will face severe inner-self conflicts these days.At times like this,you'll need moral support from almost everyone and everything, whether they really say it straight to your face or not.

Whatever it is, it's going to put you in the brink of desperation.However,despite all worries and jeremiads,there's always something pleasant.
For our proficiency course,we're having this play.Nothing big.Still,it's super exciting.The part where everybody comes in and work together somehow make me reluctant to let go of everything.Suddenly,everything seems to precious that you feel like grabbing them all and put them in the refrigerator-so that the moments freeze and stay just as it is.
Good escape from Time huh?So to speak.Time goes on.It never waits.

The past is only the present become invisible and mute; and because it is invisible and mute, its memorized glances and its murmurs are infinitely precious. We are tomorrow's past.          -Mary Webb-

 Ah,funny though.It's ridiculous sometimes to think that you don't feel what you're supposed to when everyone else is into it.You're always the slow and unpredictable one.You can be insensitive at times when you're supposed to be sensitive and you're to blur to be true when you need to be 'awake'. Sui genesis? I don't think so. =P

Apple Heart

"I wonder how would it feel like to have an apple heart."
Yeah,this was among the random thoughts I had when I was either sweeping or mopping the floor.
Whatever.
Apple always seems juicy and consumable (most of the times) I would say. Apple smells nice.I like the smell of green apples especially.The colour (rosy red and fresh green)soothes your tired eyes.An apple looks empty, but two apples are bounty.

Apples even do you good.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" but an apple would be rotten if it's left about.
A waste it is.
But alas,who would ever noticed such a pome? Always there means always for granted.
So those who owned the apple hearts,watch out, because life often plays you hard.Again and again your soul will cry,devoured by flames which tear you apart.
Do not weep, and and gives everything out but smile and say "I'll never give up!"
That's the beauty of an apple heart.

More Randomness

>>The previous post made me realize that life has been too mundane for me.I imagined as if I was hibernating in this dark,wet,cold cave for the last few months-far,far away from the rest of the world.I happened to laugh at myself looking how idleness keeps me in instead of seizing the day.Where could Passion-For-Life has possibly go?Did it got lost during Valentine's Day?Lots of love signals were being emitted that day that even Passion lost its way,huh?

>>A lot of things crossed my minds lately.Yet,I don't got the chance to even jot them down.It's wise to go back to that dear noir black book I guess. :P

>> Suddenly I like Pink's songs so much!

>> I was about to sleep and the image of 'sambal' (a Malay dish) popped out in my mind. Even compared 'sambal' to gossips.It's hot,spicy and definitely irresistible. The hotter,the better.

>> I hate the fact that both my younger sisters are taller than me,though I'll look younger. *grin*

>>Keep reminding myself that I'm going to be 22 this year (don't know why)

>>Wish to visit Italy and maybe find myself a dear gentleman there (he maybe in his sixties now)

>>Craving for oysters!

>> Find it's hard to stop singing while driving.The louder the better.

>>Wonder how would I react in the situation I am in now 20 years later.

>>Sometimes I feel like teaching,but pretty convinced that I suck. (my mum bet that I'll be bullied by my students-she's 100% sure!)

>>There are times when I am pretty sure I'm going to be a writer or a scriptwriter.haha.

>> It would be interesting to talk to some random person you meet in the bookstore.

>>I think I should stop.













 

Whooosh~I

Zaman sekarang semua orang nak cepat.Kalau keluar ke mana-mana,semuanya nak cepat sampai.Makan tu,kalau boleh telan satu pinggan sekaligus lagi senang.Masa bercerita kalau boleh nak sekali nafas saja dah habis.Buat kerja kalau lagi cepat habis lagi bagus-tak kisahlah perform ke tak.Kalau dah keluar nak cepat balik.Kalau datang kelas,baru sampai dah nak balik.SMS pula,kalau cepat boleh jadi raja SMS.Pertandingan Sudoku kalau cepat habiskan, dapat duit.Bab assignment lagilah..kalau memang boleh menaip dengan begitu cepat,Thank God.
Pendek kata,semua nak cepat,semua kena cepat..cepat,cepat,cepat..
Memang tak dinafikan dalam era globalisasi ni,masa itu emas.Banyak ciptaan dan kemudahan yang disediakan supaya kita semua boleh melajukan diri masing-masing dan berupaya menjimatkan serta mengejar masa.Contoh:
1)Highway-Highway dibina untuk mempercepatkan perjalanan kan?Jadi untuk cepat,kita memang akan bergerak laju.Kalau ada highway,mesti ada tol punya.Dulu beratur bukan main panjang nak bayar tambang supaya akak tol naikkan penghadang tu dan kita boleh teruskan perjalanan.Tak lama lepas tu,Touch N' Go pula diperkenalkan.Masa ni bukan main seronok buka tingkap..excited nak 'touch' kad pada reader.Canggih dan cepat sikit,daripada kelam kabut cari duit syiling nak bayar tol.Manusia tak pernah puas.Keinginan untuk selari dengan perkembangan teknologi telah melahirkan Smart Tag.Wah,ini lagi canggih dan lagi cepat.Tak perlu lagi susah-susah buka tingkap.Cuma perlahankan kereta supaya boleh di'tag'  dan bila Smart tag device tu berbunyi,jalanlah...tunggu apa lagi kan?Kata nak cepat...
Peringatan:Untuk kedua-dua jenis tag, anda layak menikmati layanan sebegini sekiranya kad Touch N' Go anda mempunyai kredit yang mencukupi.Jika tidak,anda akan menanggung azab kerana terpaksa mengundurkan kereta anda untuk ke lorong yang tak ada 'tag' diiringi dengan bunyi hon yang memaki dan bahana amarah pemandu lain.Malu?Ah,perkara biasa.

2)Pengangkutan awam:(merujuk kepada perjalanan yang dekat saja)Dulu naik bas saja dah kira okaylah.Walaupun panas dan lambat,namun tambang lebih murah daripada naik teksi.Sekarang ada LRT,KTM,Monorail dll.Tambang pun murah juga.Tapi lebih cepat dan kesemuanya confirm ada air-cond.Cakap saja nak ke mana,hampir semua tempat ada.Eh,tapi jangan pandang enteng pada bas.Bas-bas sekarang tak kurang hebatnya.Diaorang sekarang ada air-cond,laju..em,bolehlah.Nama pun nak 'Rapid'.Bezanya,kalau tengah waktu puncak,sekurang-kurangnya golongan kereta api pendek tetap bergerak walaupun manusia di dalamnya sangat sardin.Tapi,nasib lebih malang kalau jadi sardin dalam bas.Tak bergerak satu hal,air-cond pun tak lagi terasa dalam kepanasan yang memuncak.Cabaran terbesar- menahan diri daripada terhidu 'armpit essence' di sekitar.Kesimpulannya,suka hatilah nak naik mana-mana pengangkutan awam,sendiri naik,sendiri tanggunglah..kata nak cepat...Teksi?Ini yang cepat dan murah saja..cepat dan mahal kami tak mahu!

3)Telefon bimbit:Dulu telefon bimbit sebesar botol air mineral Spritzer 500 ml tu.Tapi,dengan bertambahnya golongan bijak pandai,saiz telefon bimbit menjadi semakin kecil sehingga tak perlu kot dibimbit lagi.Lihat saja di mana-mana.Saiz telefon menjadi semakin kecil,nipis,dan ringan.Tak perlu lagi simpan dalam beg (takut tak jumpa) tapi lebih baik simpan dalam poket.Bagaimana telefon cebet ini menyumbang kepada kecepatan?Kita semakin cekap menggunakan jari jemari.Berkat berlatih SMS setiap hari  membolehkan kita mempunyai koordinasi tangan yang baik.Lebih-lebih lagi dalam keadaan genting seperti memukul nyamuk semasa tidur,memukul lalat yang mengganggu semasa sedang makan dan juga mengangkat tangan untuk menjawab soalan.Kita tak perlu lagi sibuk-sibuk berbalas surat,tapi terus saja berhubung dengan mereka yang berkenaan.Confirm tak membazir kertas,dan tenaga kerana mesej dapat disampaikan dengan cepat sekali.Sekarang,dengan kewujudan laman sosial yang glamor seperti Facebook (FB) dibantu dengan kecanggihan telefon cebet ini,maka,status fb, lokasi semasa,segala perasaan,keadaan,dan kejadian cepat saja diupdatekan.Memang fuh,cepat beb!

4)Kad ATM/Kad Kredit:Dulu tak semua orang mampu nak memiliki kad kredit ni.Kalau bukan anak hartawan,kayawan atau beradawan,gigitlah jari sampai putus.Sekarang,tak payah cerita.Bukan anak datuk saja ada,anak nenek,anak mak,anak ayah dan segala anak ada akses kepada kad kredit.Bukannya apa,bila keperluan cukup,kemahuan meningkat.Kipas kiri sikit,kanan sikit,lepaslah.Mother Nature pun geleng kepala.Bezanya,jumlah kad kredit yang dimiliki,limit,dan nama bank.Kad ATM,lagi tak payah cerita.Kalau tak ada limit dan charge yang dikenakan bagi mengeluarkan duit dari mesin ATM,mahu sehari 20 kali pergi tekan duit.Itupun kalau ada lagi duit yang boleh ditekan keluar selepas 10 kali withdraw!Ini pun cepat juga.Cepat habis duit...

Pendek kata,banyak aspek kehidupan pada hari ini yang menggunakan konsep cepat.Di sini,konsep ini dihuraikan secara prima facie sahaja.Penulis tidak berminat untuk berdebat dengan lebih lanjut.
-Bersambung-

Belong

There are times when you sit alone,doing nothing..it's just you and your moment.Time passes slowly and the atmosphere suddenly feels so quiet,so still that you could hear yourself thinking out loud.

You watch other people that you do not know at all; walking pass you,rushing through the corner of the street in a hurry,some are strolling leisurely and have this brilliant smile on their faces,some seem to suffocate,as if they were drowning in their sea of problems-all of them,even those who are not moving a limb of their muscles,are struggling to catch a living.

It is evident that some get the best that life has to offer and some barely make it out in vain while the other half just happened to be in the middle.How unfair life could be?One would look up the sky and questioned God.

Looking back into your own life-the family you have with you,and your supporting friends..did it ever dawned on you that you're actually alone?

Think of the people you meet along the way-the shopkeeper you barely know,the cafe owner you used to greet,the garbage collector you always thank for cleaning up the mess,the child who cycled in front of your house daily,the neighbour who walk his dog every morning..

Who are these people to you?

It is indeed remarkable to think how the universe bring us all in, that we are actually a part of  something,a part of someone's life.It is an honour to be accepted as part of it and the acts of gratitude that follow warms your heart and create a sense of belonging.The need to belong is essential for our well being.If not,there might not be the need of having family,group of friends or even a society.

You need me,and I need you too.

What An Ignorant!

"Damn!" I heard myself muttering under my very nose.Amidst all the topics given,why Animal Rights??
I mean..I knew some fancy facts that snails can sleep for like 3 years,mosquitoes have 47 teeth,turtles can breathe through their butts and that a group of ravens is called a murder but their rights??Am I kidding me? I DON'T REALLY KNOW!

Such knowledge cease to exist as I rummaged through my brain.Brain juice dried...
Bears,tiger,orang utan,panda etc. would not be that hard to handle but blufin tuna fish?
The keywords provided did not triggered anything familiar at all.

I know I like sushi.Worse,I got nothing to add on so that it would sound like a forum in an oral test.When it is finally my turn,I half-confidently claimed that the ecosystem in their habitat would perished and this was the moment when out of the blue,I mentioned Polar Bear and the ecological niche thing.

For the record,the Atlantic bluefin tuna or the Northern blufin tuna originated from the Atlantic Ocean and also the Mediterranean Sea.Polar bears are the native to the Artic.And we were talking about tuna fish..not polar bear..Ouch!                                                        

No Tuna.Positive

                                                                
So,I got the lowest mark.Lucky I didn't flunk the paper as well.The funny thing was that I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.In a nut shell,I hate this topic.
I keep track on the issue though.Enough ignorance.

Nesting Dust -2010 Edition

 Whoa!It's been a while since I last wrote something..Owh,typed is more like it..*grin*

It's obviously January 2011.11th of January to be precise.It's a bit too late for me to wish a happy,happy new year I guess- but better be late than never right?

2010 was a not-so-bad year after all.It's a year of progress I would say.At least things around me didn't seem to fall apart and I didn't really felt bitter about moving on to 2011.Actually,I'm looking forward to it.There's so much to do and so much to do!!

End of 2010 marked quite a phase for me.I saw a great deal of joys,laughters,griefs,rantings and even feuds; reminding me that life is short and need not be wasted."Live life full!"(It was in the TV,but I can't remember from which ads!)

I'd been terribly occupied till the end of the year and as much as I'd love to sit and share my eureka moments here,I was sorry that I could not do so.Keeping part of the house running with two unpredictable teens was still OK.But when it came to handling an 11-year-old boy,I swore that it worn me out for real.

It is different when you have no more kids running around,shouting,or even throw tantrums in the house.Everything stays properly in their places.You don't expect your cat's tail to be stepped on or pulled..that the poor thing runaway whenever it sees you,and you don't expect to have a newt staying in your shoes and surely you don't expect to stepped on God-knows-what-it-is on the floor when you're rushing for an appointment.

*Sigh* "Boys will be boys."

Since this one will be staying with us for the whole year,I better learn how to handle and get along with him or I promised myself to not even think of the whole prospect of babysitting for the next coming years.*Pinky promise*

2010 was also a year where there were a number of 'kenduri(s)' in my mum's hometown,Segamat.So,as I tend to shy away from my relatives there,I've taken baby steps into trying to get to know them better.Well,I did,but only a few of them and not that well.Still,I did tried didn't I?Exchanging smiles was a good kick-start so to say.I spent some time in Penang too.It's my dad's hometown.

Penang is indeed crammed;with the hustling and bustling on the streets,sky scrapers assembled in rows,ancient buildings which still stood tall in the midst of everything-it was almost banal.Like a mini KL on display,except less charging and hurrying everywhere.There's still a sense of composure though.Other differences was the dialect,the friendly gestures from the people there,and the food.And what makes it forgivable for being such a restless place?If you ask me,I'll say it's the sea.It's not that clean anyway but the calming effect still lingers somewhere.

That's roughly what 2010 got to offer so far.The beginning of the year's memories were fading,so I guess nothing much happened.Again,a guess.If not,I would have remembered.

So,entering a brand new year,I hope to continue making progress in terms of finding and knowing myself better, get out of my small world often and maybe peek into a bigger one.

And,I officially draw the 2010 curtains down.Dead end.