Presence

Presence strengthens what is absence.It's the person that matter,not the place.

I'm going to jump into an ice hole (if I could find one) and freeze there after this.Yeah,because I need to write or I'll go bonkers.

To begin with, recently, I've met someone who has pretty much affected my EQ since like uh,five years ago?It was utterly unexpected,unanticipated,and came without warning.Well,I can't really tell whether it's a good thing or not.

Honestly,I've been feeling damn guilty for doing what I did and regretted the things that I should have and have not done to him.Five years ago,I was stupid, awkward (still do), young and too afraid of too many things which eventually led to an unresolved matter in me and maybe, what happened between us.
I believe I've broken his heart and live with that ever since.Yes,considering the fact that we were disgustingly young with a potentially bleak future ahead, so many would suggest me to just move on.I did tried, and this writing is one obvious proof that I failed to do so.

Like an unfinished chapters in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales or Jane Austen's last,never completed novel,Sanditon, nobody knows how the 'completed' version will sound like.Hanging loosely blown by the wind of uncertainty.

When I saw him,it dawned on me that either I'm a complete ignorant or the fact that I'm being too hard on myself-relying too much on hard facts and solid definitions on almost everything; including my own feeling, blinded me from being fully aware that I too,were heart broken.

When you like someone so much for so long,you'll tend to forget how it feels and how distinct it is from the rest of emotions.It's like something unfathomable missing from you,and you don't know what.It gives you this 'just-not-right' feeling when you seek it from others.

My guess is that I've got so used to it.That explains the uncomfortable feeling I have when I'm around those who I'm not that familiar with.Thanks to linguistics,I could judged pretty well through conversations actually.It gives me this holistic view, a rough idea what's the person like.(If I tell the world I did that, I bet nobody would not want to speak to me for being that judgmental).Haha!

All in all,to be able to meet him, and miraculously talked to each other quite normally for a couple good times left quite an impression.I'm quite surprised myself.Did I just talked to him?It's like whoa~if it is possible, I would want to apologize,and told him that five years ago,I wanted to say,"What took you so long?" (I'm quite mad for the lateness actually) and if I did broke his heart,I didn't mean to do that at all.I just didn't want things to get complicated and yes,I'm being selfish for not considering anyone at all.

Ah, well..past is past.It's not that I think I might have another shot.
I respected him for having the courage to even ask me out and at least,if not all,be himself .Ihat alone would have done me a favour.I would love him to stay that way. It would be nice if I get the chance to know him better.And if he did hated me ( he should),the very fact that he's still able to see me after all these years,plus the efforts that he put during the process tugged at my heartstrings.I guess that's one of the thing that makes him different than the rest.Well, he was always different then,and gladly he still is.Nevertheless,he seems more sure of himself now and I hope he'll keep it up.

Amidst the nostalgic and melancholy feeling,I did have a good time .Never fail to put an instant smile on my face lately.Now I need to learn how not to suddenly smile for no reason.

So,I guess it is impossible for me to even bring this up (again).The last thing I would want to do is bugged him with this.Maybe for me it will take longer to actually get over it.With his presence in this short period of time,I think it would be more than enough to compensate.And for only that, I'm more than grateful.

But this time it feels right.I can tell that.

And I still could not believe that I actually wrote a poem for him not long ago.
I guess I am kind of cheesy,sometimes.Haha.

He's my dear Gentleman,can't you see?Lols.

Howard Zin's always awesome with his words :

To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places -- and there are so many -- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.

And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

- Howard Zinn -

Thank god,now I can finally sleep.