Original Bourgeois

During high school,or in a more accurate term in the Malaysian context:secondary school,is merely an explorable phase of growing physically and academically.Mentally?Emotionally? I'd say it's underdeveloped.I'm more like a tumor than a healthily growing cell if you ask me back then.If I could go back,I'd like to change and settle certain things and of course it's impermissible.It's not how things work in this world.Undeniably,some of it had punched the biggest hole in my chest leaving a big hollow space in me and some people I knew.Mum used to tell me that life goes on..so,no turning back right?Then,OKAY..

Why did I ever brought this up again?Well,a few things turn out to be quite different for the past 2 years:
First,I was struggling with my identity-being around people I didn't really know,new surroundings,new routines etc.Where did I fit in?Was I good enough? Smart enough? Talented enough? Suddenly these self-esteem consciousness breezed in.It was like those teen's fitting-in-American-high-school movies which truly sucks if it happens to you.I was damn nervous in almost everything I did during my very first year in Uni,from studying to eating and even sleeping.Haha! I remained like that for almost a year,then only it started to fade bit by bit at the end of the semester.That happened because I totally cannot get my head together in accepting the fact that I'm already in Uni now.It like..WHOA!It's just like this??I'm 19,and I'm in Uni??

The sentence "masuk U" is being programmed and nurtured in such a way that it made me feel that getting yourself a place in Uni is grandeur than life itself.The idea?My mum..she had been through hardships in her early life and since I'm the first born, I got the honor to fulfill her high expectation.At this point I had to learn to control and forced myself to like and dislike things depending whether I'm allowed or not allowed to do so.I've stopped asking why and how,I've curbed myself from doing things I'd love to-bottling up everything and put them afar.Whenever I see or feel like doing them all,I'll just think and imagine that I'm already at it.It ached a LOT when I open my eyes.Holding on to "tak sampai hati" slogan,I'm at the edge of being restless and senseless.End of high school marked the end of everything.At least one of my foot is free by then.Still,some things didn't just end.

In matriculation,things got a bit loose,and I encouraged myself to take the next step..I got to know a guy,well more like a boy,my age and he's funny.In a blink of an eye,I got myself an instant relationship.Gosh,it was funny because we never see or hear from each other much..only a few calls after 3 months.I thought I didn't need anything like this,it's more like a burden,this guilty feeling for my mum,my studies,and I couldn't even think of liking or loving someone who didn't give a damn on respecting and understanding in what I believe.So back on track!

Finally after 2 years,which is now:
I could say that I'm having one of my best moments in life..I can finally dance,visits those historical places (my sis think I'm a freak!),being overjoyed to go visit and watch art exhibitions,plays,dance dramas,choirs,orchestra(s)-soon, and opera (scream!),read books that have nothing to do with what I'm studying without anyone nagging at me,talk about hunks with my mum (which never really happened all these years),learn quite a few foreign languages which I hope I'll be able to speak them fluently,plus,I really like what I'm studying now and banyak lagi laaa..Oddio,FREEDOM is bliss!

So,what difference does it makes now and then?
I learned the word friendship and basically what does it means,success and succeeding;at least from the school point of view,and study,study,study (mostly)and anything beyond that is not allowed (according to mum) during high school.Living in a closed community back then can restrict a pessimistic individual like me and no doubt it did affected me in finding my own true self and potential.I kept everything to myself most of the time,and it was hard to express myself according to my own interpretation in such circumstances.Don't get me wrong,I love my friends,my school but there might be some misinterpretation or misrepresentation in others which is likely to cause conflicts,falsehood,and gossips.Who knows how bad it could be?Teens..maybe by being 'dormant' would be best for someone like me.
I don't really remember much of the things I had done in school except for a few unforgettable moments,events and maybe a few people..Yeah,some things just won't make sense when we were in an awkward situation.It becomes clearer later,when we thought we're so over it and unfortunately,it's too late by the time we really get to see the whole picture.So,it passed as a PHASE in life.

No doubt I'm quite the same person I was a few years ago;a bit nervous here and there,quite lost in conversation sometimes,applaud and cherish stupid,sarcastic jokes,eat a lot,and still despise cockroaches (now rats and monkeys too!) but also as a growing individual who feels better being in her own skin.I'm happy for now.As there are so many things around me waiting to be explore,it would be invigorating to discover more than eyes can see if you get what I mean. #smile!#
Yet,the only thing that is totally not the same is my health.Let's hope I'll be as fit as a fiddle always.LOL..I may be too comfortable with the state I'm in now..go work out la!LOSER ni..hahaha!